Brian: How can you not like me?
Quagmire: OK, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death and that is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury you defecate all over his yard, and you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing and you always say "oh I'll get you later" but later never comes! And what really bothers me is you pretend that you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and lecture them with some 7th grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat and that's why you like him so much. He's you! God, you're pretentious. And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there was no "a" in the word definite. And you know what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda on how we should "legalize pot man", how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. What have you done to help? I worked down at the soup kitchen Brian, never seen you down there! You want to help, Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Oh wait, you don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How is that son of yours you never see? But you know what, I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big sad alcoholic bore! (sigh) Now see you Brian, thanks for the fucking steak.